Trick-Or-Treating With The Candidates, Part I

Well, the election is rapidly approaching. Under a week now. But more important today, at least to children and the parents of young children, and even older kids/people (however you want to be classified), today is Halloween. And, as such, why not combine the 2?


Scenario 1: Going trick-or-treating with the 4 candidates (Barack Obama, Joe Biden, John McCain, Sarah Palin)

Sarah Palin: She shows up to the house dressed in typical hockey-mom gear (whatever that is), with a couple of kids next to her dressed in hockey gear. The people at the house open the door, and look at her confused. "It's hockey gear" she replies, after the initial "trick-or-treat" yelling. The confused individual at the door explains that hockey is played in Canada, not the contiguous 48 states. REJECTED!

John McCain: To show off his "maverick-ness", he shows up dressed up in a Dallas Mavericks jersey, probably a Dirk Nowitzki one. Of course, no one wants to see him in such a jersey. And when he starts calling them his "friend", it just turns creepy. The individual at the door gets lucky that John Stockton style shorts aren't still in style. REJECTED!

Barack Obama: He shows up preaching change. He shows up at the door, and when offered candy (thereby getting further than any of the other candidates so far), refuses, kindly telling the shocked individual at the door that by "treat," he meant something healthy. You know, change. The individual looks shocked while explaining that he didn't know what Obama meant by "change", and then finally goes and gets him an apple. Which is good because otherwise Mr. Obama could speak for a while (and draw a crowd), which might be good for debating, but isn't as good when the kids behind him want their candy. Since the goal is to get more candy, not an apple, you are REJECTED!

Joe Biden: He's last for a simple reason. In all the Obama/McCain/Palin hubbub, there has been very little mentioned about Biden. What I do know, I heard from a neighbor (couple houses down), who mentioned after the VP-candidate debate that Biden had way too much make-up, as if he was trying to appear young. So obviously, to trick-or-treat, he shows up as today's average teen, wearing either low-ride baggy pants or skateboard-tight jeans. He also has a tattoo on his arm (fake, of course), and is listening to a Britney Spears song on his iPod with the volume turned up high enough for everyone around him to be able to hear it as well. The individual at the door manages to let him know that Britney Spears "is so 5 years ago" before shutting the door to get away from the music. REJECTED!




Scenario 2: You go trick-or-treating at the candidates house. Why do you get turned away?

Sarah Palin: You show up at her house dressed up as a pig. Wearing lipstick, of course. She immediately berates you for being sexist, to which you reply that she's being racist because you're not white. In the end, everyone is confused, and it leads to a short awkward silence in which she winks. She then attacks your friends and acquaintances because they once said that (insert country here) isn't so hot (the nerve!) and you might've agreed with them, even if you didn't say so and even argued with them. Obviously, your costume was enough to hold you candy-less, but you just made it even worse. Oh, and as you're leaving, you mention you're a south side Chicagoan, and she promptly replies "Go Cubs!" Ooh, how it hurts.

John McCain: You dress up as an anti-war protester. You get to his door, and he sees your shirt. Immediately, he gets into a long (15 minutes?) speech about how he was a POW and how it made him a better American. You hear him out, hoping to get some candy at the end. You even apologize. After his speech, the old age hits him, and he forgets why you're there. He threatens to go to war with you if you don't leave, and then breaks into his POW speech again before shutting the door. Not only do you not get candy, you just had war declared on you.

Barack Obama: He comes to the door, and gives you a couple of Brussels sprouts. You look at him confused, and with a look of "ugh!" on your face. He calmly explains (with a relatively long speech... say 10 minutes) why Halloween needs a change, one going from candy (unhealthy) to much healthier foods. You try to respond by explaining that Halloween is about the candy, and how you eat healthy the rest of the year (yeah, you're lying, but that's alright). He gives a slight chuckle and says that he's willing to talk & listen to you, even if you're the enemy. You get ready to explain more, before the kids behind you get pissed off and push you away so that they can get their "treat".

Joe Biden: Again, I don't have much on him. Sorry for that. He just hasn't been in the news at much. You go to his house all dressed up, appearing as some rich guy. He looks at you, and asks what you are. You reply (honestly), that you're dressed up as some billionaire CEO. He applauds your honesty. And then he mentions that he's in favor of taxing the rich more than the middle class. You mention that you agree (or you don't, depending on your views), and then say "trick or treat" again. He apologizes for the delay, then reaches into your bag, takes some candy, and puts it in his basket. You look at him confused, he replies "you've just been taxed." You try to complain, but he mentions that his efforts both equal the candy distribution amongst kids (being the rich CEO, you obviously stole some from somewhere earlier), and will also get the economy going because there is less for you to hide from everyone else. You leave baffled.




It's not over, of course. You end up running into Death. He tries to take your life, but you mention what you've just been through (all 8 cases), and Death ends up leaving in tears, after giving you some of his candy. Unless you're the rich guy, in which case he puts you on your last breaths, telling you not to worry because your family can obviously afford the medical bills.